Death of my father
I want to share you a story about my father who deceased two weeks ago. We have not yet buried him but maybe when you read this it will be done long time ago. Don’t worry, this story is much beautiful and not scary.
My father had long term illness. He had a disease called Multiple sclerosis, MS. It is a neurological condition where your synapses are not transferring info anymore from brain to muscles and nerves. One by one your muscles might stop working. There is no cure for it. This condition has teached me so much about life, forgiveness and love that I am much grateful for my father and the lesson he teached me in life. Last 14 years he was just lying on the bed because nothing moved. Cognition was good thou and he could speak and articulate himself. Only last times were hard because throat muscles stopped slowly functioning.
Me and my father always had spiritual connection. I always knew when father was suffering because I could feel it in my body. I realized this when I was 16. Before that I already have had some experiences which I could not understand related to him. He didn´t have easy life and I was some kind of interpreter or carrier of his pain sometimes. He had his own company in construction field and during 1990´s economic crisis he lost everything. Sure, never he gained anything back financially.
When I was 14 he had his first heart attack. There was second one too. Also he tried suicide twice when I was young at age. He drink a lot in some point and I witnessed everything. So MS disease diagnose was kind of relief for him (he said himself!) when he got true reason for his body pain and mind loss and blurry feeling over years. He lost everything except his family and home.
I am not going deeply in details in history but just I wanted to share some small but big issues we struggled in our family history. I forgived my father everything years ago and last years I was just happy and loving towards him, thanks for Bhakti yoga (“love for love’s sake” and “union through love and devotion.”) and grateful attitude and lessons about parents.
When the moment comes, you know how to act
I was there when he left his body in nursing home and it was something much beautiful and magical same time. Few weeks ago I was visiting my family in Central Finland. Because I live quite distant I didn´t visit them after February. My father lived in nursing home since last November so totally he stayed there half year only. My mother was caretaking him after diagnosis at home for too many years. (What is love?). So I went for a visit and just one day during long weekend I decided to go meet my beloved father with my mother in nursing home. It was Saturday and we reached there by noon. Caretakers told us father had had a good day, he was lifter up in wheelchair for a breakfast and he had said he is feeling good.
Well we entered the room and I saw my father in bed looking different. I didn´t take out my coat or even wash my hands I just immediately sat by his side and started listen to him and put my body near him. My mother is much active and energetic so she started talk much about something and TV was full on showing some irrelevant TV show. I was staring at my father and started my last discussion with him.
My father, the warrior
My Father told me he is not feeling well, he has headache and feels dizzy. My mom wanted to start many kind of things with head and bed and posture but I told to leave it alone and also father felt irritated about all buzzing. I wanted to be with my father and I realized something is happening. His eyes were not focused, he knew it was me because he started to tell me things.
Everything he said I told him it is ok. He told he got medicine (antibiotics in the morning) and he is not taking it anymore and I just replied no need to take anymore medicine. He told me he has headache so I rubbed his third eye and told all the pain will go away soon. I sat there watching him. I caressed his head and body. He told me frustrated he is so tired and sick of this and I replied I know, you have struggled a lot. He started to tell swearing words in some point and I told him let it all come, I don´t care. FUCK – he said, God damn – he said. I told him just let it all come.
My mother had planned to feed him some curd so she left the room to pick up spoon so I could be together with my dad. I was much relieved. The energy of mother was annoying us both with much hassle and things. When we were together father asked about my son and I told him he can relax because both me and my brother with our sons are going to be ok. I knew I am now telling him things he wants to hear. I told him we all will manage and everything is well. I told him he can go with the stars in the space or make a long long dive in the ocean, he can choose where he wants to go free and without pain. Father was agreeing. He asked my help to get home, to get away from pain.
When my mother came back I was tenderly caressing my father. I kept my hand on his stomach and other hand I softly caressed his hand. I felt like every inhale he took it was causing him pain or anger. Like a fight with ego. I watched my father with love and felt like his body was all light and energy. I felt his pain but every exhale I told him to calm down, give up, go free. I didn’t feel pain or fear, just much love towards him. I remember watching his beard, his face, every detail of his body and I was wondering how long road he has had. My mother was little bit far and every time I told father to give up, let it go, my mom said to me that I should say fight, or don´t give up. But my love, my compassion and my energy was healing father and helping him to leave.
I cannot explain how everything happened or how I knew what to do, I just felt suddenly this light and love towards him and I understood he has suffered enough. When I stood up and told I should go (I just had sudden feeling) my mom told maybe father has something more to say. And then I went there, put my face next to his face and told him everything is well. I put my hand on his heart and told: Everything is here. He suddenly watch clearly straight in to my eyes with his green eyes and I felt amazed what I saw – I think I saw his soul. It was so bright, so clear and so happy. My father gave me one smile and then he started to close his eyes nd I stand up and almost ran to the door (Again I felt like I have to). When I was on the door my mother shouted: What you did to him, father is not breathing anymore!
I turned around, saw my father eyes closed, head little bit turn upwards to the sky and he was completely pale. He was gone. I ran to caretakers office and told we need help. Nurses came and said oh dear, he is dead.
Many things happened after that like ambulance coming after one hour and police after three hours (they came because decision of palliative care was not even made, so just protocol). My mother told me when I had stood up and went to the door my dad had closed his eyes and immediately he had gone. First mother was much shocked but after talking with my cousin (Her best friend who suddenly came there to meet father – too late) she realized my father had died in my love and in my hands. I felt like he was waiting for me to come so we can meet and embrace one more time. In one hour after I arrived he was gone.
When my brother came there he asked how much morphine or pain killers went to the vain and I told nothing. He left without pain or struggle. Or when he felt bad I just told him to breath out with ease. My father knew I loved him and he knew I knew what he goes through. We had a special connection.
Here some realizations of this special loving heartful death I experienced with my father.
- I had a gut feeling something is different when I entered the room. I listened to myself and my body, more my father feelings of course
- We had symbiotic relationship on his last moments, even my mom was too far to realize what is going on and everything happened in peace
- I have never seen death so close but this changed my perspective towards the event of death. It can be much beautiful letting go moment.
- I felt like I am his angel helping him to cross the line. He was listening to me and trusted my help. Even I saw much mental pain on his face I was happy when I saw him relaxing and calming down.
- Everything was said. He needed to know we will be ok and well with our kids. He loved his grandsons and wanted to pamper them but couldn´t do much in practice. But I told him no need to worry anymore, you can go.
- I didn´t feel any fear or struggle. Like a big bubble of love was surrounding us. I saw my father as a child of God who needs to get rest.
- When father asked how far is home I realized he wants to go now. I told him soon you will be home. Very soon.
- I was privileged to be there with him and I am much happy and grateful of that. There was so much love and magic and God power in that room when he left. I had my malas, my tilak in the forehead and white clothes.
- Even my mom was sometimes scared what I am doing when I caressed his hand or chest and then shaked my hands but I did not care about surroundings. I told my mom I am helping him, caressing, just nothing. But of course I felt much energy in my hands
- When father complained he is feeling much hot but his body felt normal I thought maybe energy or kundalini is leaving his body. And how could I even think of that? It just came like an instinct.
What is there for us about death?
Forgive your parents, friends or relatives now. Life is short and everyone is beautiful. No need to carry grudge or heavy feelings inside. Love is letting go. Love is also forgiving. Love is eternal. I experienced much love and got new perspective for love. Beautiful love, father love.
This article is written on the day when my father would have had his 70th birthday. Happy Birthday dad ❤️
